Love and relationships are high on the list of concerns for most
human beings. There are some solitary souls who are quite content to
live without a primary partner, but most of the rest of us choose to
pursue intimate relationships for many different reasons. A loving
partner helps keep away the cold, not only warming the bed, but by
supporting your dreams and listening to your fears. Close companionship
is the way of the world for most of us, but modern society has made it
an extremely complex process.
In traditional cultures, when the roles of men and women were more
neatly (if unequally) defined, there was community and family support
for couples. But in today's world many of us have moved far from our
families of origin. And, even if they are close by, extended families
are rare and community support for couples is virtually non-existent. A
modern couple expects more from a relationship than did couples living
in pre-industrial societies. They are not just lovers and sometimes
parents, they are also business partners and best friends. It's no
longer enough to love your partner and to do the daily work of
maintaining your household, you must understand one another, crossing
the divide of male and female as new roles for both sexes continue to
emerge. Same sex couples have their issues as well, individuality being
stronger then gender.
Love is not enough. To live together in an intimate relationship
there are other criteria that must be met. Love, in fact, is very
different to different people. Fiery love means that I feel great when I
think of you. It is a Leo-like projection of the ego, basking in the
glory of romantic love. My love for you comes from my heart. You may
trigger it, but it's my creation. Listening doesn't necessarily enter
the picture. Watery love is more Lunar, it is about responding to the
other person's needs, even the unstated ones. The fiery lover may be
surprised to discover that the other is unsatisfied. "But, I love you
honey," I might say, meaning that my heart opens at the thought of you.
Energy flows from me to you. Yet the other needs to be heard, to be
felt, to be received...to be loved like the Moon.
The Role of the Planet
Venus
Astrologers generally consider Venus to be the planet of love. This,
however, is somewhat misleading. Venus describes the form in which an
individual can recognize love or approval. The sign, house and aspects
involving the natal Venus can desc ribe the ways in which the person
gained appreciation within the family structure. So someone with Venus
in Capricorn might be appreciated for her sense of discipline, while
someone else with Venus in Cancer was approved for her sensitive and
caring nature. Venus, then, is a highly socialized planet, one whose
expression doesn't necessarily correspond with our deepest needs, but is
a learned value. Venus is a step towards intimacy, it is the sweet
attraction that pulls us towards another person (or him/her towards us).
Magnetism, though, is not intimacy, it's not even love. But it is
important, vital in fact, if a meaningful relationship is g oing to
develop. However, relationships primarily built on Venus contacts may
not last long or go very deep. Venus is a "horizontal" planet. It has to
do with how we reach out to another person or object that attracts us.
It does not, however, ne cessarily reflect our deepest needs. These
needs, this pathway to intimacy, falls in the domain of the Moon.
The Role of the Moon
The Moon is the primary feminine archetype in astrology. The
relationship with mother is the basis for all future relationships. It
was one of total dependency, the only physically necessary relationship
in life. We can not exist without mother's presence (at least until
birth). Fathers are vital for conception, after that they're optional,
albeit desirable. Closeness, then, comes through the Moon. It comes
through connecting with our deepest needs, recognizing them and taking
the risk to share them with the person we love. This vulnerability is a
key element of intimacy. If we don't let our partner in we live parallel
lives, rather than lives of true intimacy. Now we don't all have the
same needs here. Someone with the Moon in Cancer is likely to have a
very different notion of closeness than someone with the Moon in
Aquarius. Each has lunar needs, needs to be fed and to be heard, but the
forms can be very different. The Moon in Cancer needs, above all, to
belong, to have that watery connection of feeling that you are both in
the same circle. The Aquarius Moon, though, needs space and freedom, and
can find security within a less tightly bound relationship. In any case,
though, the Moon is what allows us to join at a deep emotional
level.
More on Venus
When we stay at the level of Venus, however, the need to be liked
dominates the need to be heard. Closeness requires a willingness to move
past the approval level and touch the soul. When we share our deepest
feelings, fears and secrets we can open ourselves. Letting the other in
is a challenge, particularly for men or women with strong Fire in their
charts. Receiving is as much of an art as giving. Working with the Moon
means allowing for changes, for inconsistencies. We're not talking about
a fixed model of ideal partnership, we're seeking a living relationship
between growing and changing human beings.
We can understand Venus as describing what we like, sort of what
tastes good to us. But like sweet sugar in the mouth, the pleasure it
gives is nice, but might not be very fulfilling. The Moon describes what
feeds us. Therefore, it is important that we understand the relationship
between Venus and the Moon in our natal charts. If the two are in
conflict, extra attention may need to be paid to make sure that pleasure
feeds us, rather than leaving us undernourished. Someone with Venus in
Cancer, for example, might appreciate the cozy and caring aspects of a
love affair. But if the Moon is in Aries, space for spontaneity must
also be included. This person can be very responsive to the partner much
of the time (all other chart factors being equal), but suddenly pull
away to reclaim her/his individual space. This can lead to confusion for
both partners. It's really about addressing two very different needs.
The difficulty is that Venus and the Moon are close enough in their
natures to mislead us into reading one for the other. Liking and needing
are not the same thing. The form of love (Venus) and the substance of
emotion (the Moon) may or may not be similar for a given individual.
Horoscope Conflicts
Conflicts in the horoscope, as with conflicts in life, are not about
choosing one over the other. If we place the intimacy needs of the Moon
over the pleasure needs of Venus we can have unpleasant closeness, like
a couple locked together in a grim dance of survival. If the more
superficial aspects of Venus dominate we can dine at the table of
pleasure yet still feel empty inside. The key is to acknowledge and
accept our conflicting needs. Knowing which one is appropriate at a
given moment is helpful. That means dragging out your Scorpio Moon need
for intensity in a public place might not go over very well. Or that
your Venus in Aries taste for independence showing up when your partner
is in emotional crisis may be ill-timed. Everything has its time and
place and overcoming much of astrological conflict is about putting the
right foot forward at the right time.
Another take on the conflict, lets' say between Venus in Aries and
the Moon in Scorpio, is that there are many steps between their
seemingly contrasting positions. We often find ourselves stuck between
two choices. However, we are whole, the universe is whole and there are
connections between any two elements in existence. Learning the many
subtle steps between conflicting points means building bridges between
the disparate parts of ourselves. Astrology does a good job of dicing
and slicing us up into so many planets, signs and houses. But, we need
to remember that no piece is isolated from the rest. Even a seemingly
isolated planet, one without aspects, for example, lives within the same
solar system and within the same person as the rest of the chart. The
lack of connections is apparent, not real. You can take the isolated
planet and imagine conversations with the other planets. What are their
common points of interest? If you can't find any you need to expand your
astrological vocabulary, because underlying the obvious differences
between the planets and the signs is a unifying pattern that connects
every part with every other part. In fact, learning how to merge and
then separate is essential to attaining intimacy.
Houses and Intimacy
While the rewards of intimacy are considerable, the fears of intimacy
are equally strong for most people. This is because intimacy, coming
closer to another, merging fields and feelings, threatens one's
identity. As much as we want the closeness, there is a natural
resistance to it. If I include you in the center of my being where am I?
Where is my old familiar self? The unconscious works powerfully to
maintain the status quo, even an unhappy one. Fear of losing oneself is
a powerful motivation to avoid too much closeness. However, this too can
be included as part of the dance of love.
Love, in a living form, is not constant. We don't feel the same way
about one another every day, because we don't feel the same way about
ourselves. Now I'm not talking about wild mood swings here, just the
natural ebb and flow of attraction that is part of the human condition.
Venus' attraction is balanced by Mars' struggle to maintain
individuality. This is why couples need to fight, to push one another
away to regain their individuality. When this is conscious it can be
included in the dance, a normal process that neither has to be ashamed
of. I've often found that after my wife and I have moved yet another
step closer to one another, when we've push aside another veil of
separateness, we react soon after by creating distance between us. We
need to assimilate this deepening of our partnership. I need to be sure
that Jeff is there in the middle of the expanding intimacy with my wife.
When this is allowed no feelings are hurt, we don't have to dramatize
our individual needs and can stay in a flow that will bring us closer
again the next time around. While Venus and the Moon present one pair of
issues around intimacy, the 7th and 8th houses present another. The 7th
is the traditional house of marriage or primary partnership. The 8th,
though, is the "body" of the relationship, the place where the meeting
begun in the 7th is consummated. If a partner meets the symbolism of the
7th, but not the 8th house, it's likely that the relationship will not
deepen. The front may be fine, but the core may stay unfulfilled. If the
8th house contact is good, but the 7th is not, you might not even meet
the other person. Since there are often different signs on the cusps of
the 7th and 8th houses, signs that are adjacent to one another, not
natural allies (i.e. trine or sextile one another), the implication is
that intimate relationships require several different qualities to make
them work. Connecting at a deep level is not like putting a key into a
lock and turning it. It's more like a combination lock in which a number
of different pieces need to fit into place before it opens.
Since houses 7 and 8 refer to "others" they are ripe for projection.
This means that rather than expressing ourselves in these areas of the
chart we seek partners to fulfill their qualities for us. If you have
Mars in the 7th you may seek out partners who are dynamic, independent
self-starters. While this is not inappropriate, the concern is that you
will not be dynamic, independent or a self-starter yourself. This is
projection, giving away parts of yourself to others. The 7th and 8th
houses (as well as the rest of the chart for that matter) are about you.
They are about the qualities you need to express in any partnership.
Ideally, your partner will support these qualities in you. If not, the
relationship will not be a place of growth. The 7th and 8th houses are
about you. Don't give them away to someone else.
Compatibility
What is compatibility? Astrological convention holds that harmonious
aspects between charts are the significant factors for a positive
relationship. Certainly, a degree of harmony (or similarity) is
necessary for successful partnership. However, it may be useful to have
a blend of challenging and easy aspects for best results. For example,
Venus and Mars have a great deal to do with sexual compatibility. Mutual
trines and sextiles can make for an easy flow of energy, yet that might
become boring over time. However, some harmony mixed with a challenging
aspect, i.e. your Venus is trine your partner's Mars, your partner's
Venus is opposite yours, can keep a level of dynamism that will continue
to make sex an interesting subject for you two.
Couples tend to create their own little universe. If both agree on
something then it must be true. This can limit the development of the
two individuals when their charts, or parts of them, are too similar.
What's called compatibility may simply be shared neuroses. It is useful,
then, that couples don't have all their planets align harmoniously. A
little tension not only makes life interesting, but it helps keep
perspective in the partnership. The esoteric writer Dion Fortune
believed that an ideal relationship showed alternating similarity and
dissimilarity between the seven chakras. This pattern may deepen a
relationship by bringing the right balance of the old and new so that a
relationship grows, rather than remain static.
It's also true that some people don't want or need traditional
compatibility. If Uranus is in your 7th or 8th house you likely need to
experience differences through relationship, to be awakened to new
patterns. Gravitating to someone who is very different than you doesn't
have to be a disaster. With a few key positive connections to hold the
relationship together, it might be just what you need. These key
connections are most likely to involve the Moon, Sun, 1st-7th axis or
the Moon's Nodes. These are all critical points that can provide the
glue to help a couple work through their differences and maintain a
growing partnership. Sometimes you'll see a chart with wonderful Venus
and Mars aspects, but if none of these key points are included it's not
likely that the relationship will endure. Of course, the length of a
relationship is only one measure of its success (or its partners'
stubbornness). We can have successful short-term relationships if we are
able to learn from them. Each of us has our own way of measuring whether
the investment of time, energy and emotion is worth the effort. We can
meet someone who will help us open one door within ourselves, making the
contact very important even if it fails on other levels.
When I do compatibility analysis for a couple I don't start by
comparing the two natal charts. I begin by examining each chart
individually. This provides the foundation for understanding the couple
because it recognizes the individuality of each of the partners. The
natal chart is the key to intimacy. For example, it is very difficult to
receive love from someone else when you are unable to give it to
yourself. The primary work in counseling couples is to help each person
become aware of his or her issues and needs. When a person has a healthy
respect for self and a willingness to be vulnerable the doors of
intimacy open. The ground of a healthy relationship is two healthy
individuals. Health here is not about perfection, total clarity or lack
of ignorance. Health is the willingness to learn, to open ourselves, to
speak and to listen. When this kind of aliveness is present intimacy
arrives. And, with continued care and watering, it will flourish for a
long, long time.
Jeff Jawer is available for astrological consultations and can be
reached at (888) 287-9143, or by email: Jawer@bigfoot.com. He has been a
professional astrologer since 1973 and holds a special B.A. in The History
and Science of Astrology from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst.
He is professionally certified by the American Federation of Astrologers
and by the City of Atlanta's Board of Astrology Examiners, on which he has
served. A founding member of AFAN, Jeff has served two terms on its
Steering Committee. He was also one of the founders of UAC and is a member
of its Executive Board.
Well-known as a counselor , writer and teacher with dozens of articles
in books and journals, Jeff has spoken four times at The World Astrology
Congress in Switzerland and is a regular columnist for The Mountain
Astrologer. He lived and worked in France for over two years and continues
to teach summer seminars there.